Listening is so important, yet we take it for granted, and most of us think we are better listeners than we really are. Our lack of training begins in school where the average student spends half or more of her communication time in listening, followed by speaking, reading, and then writing in that order, however, the time spent teaching each subject is exactly reversed. We have not been taught to listen, but we think we know how to do it. When the communication process breaks down, we might assume the other person didn’t say what he meant or didn’t hear what we were saying. Good communication means having the impact you meant to have, but every message must pass through a filter of the speaker’s clarity of expression and the listener’s ability to comprehend what was said. Immediately after listening to someone speak, we usually can recall only half of what we heard and remember only about 20% of that, within two days. Also, we have different listening styles, which can complicate effective communication.

Some of us are people oriented in our listening, while others may be more attentive to action, time, or content. A time oriented listener wants to get to the point as soon as possible and may not be as interested in aspects of conversation a people oriented listener would offer, like what people were wearing, the flower arrangement on the table, or how the food tasted. An action oriented listener wants to know the bottom line, while the content listener is willing to explain all sides of the issue and analyze different views. The breakdown in communication occurs when different styles of listening interfere with delivering the message. Not only do we tune out a person who wants us to listen to the message in a style we feel uncomfortable communicating in, we miss the content and, sometimes, establish a pattern of misunderstanding. That’s not a problem if you’re speaking with a stranger at a party, but when we get stuck in a listening style, which causes communication failure with coworkers, a spouse, supervisors, or family members, relationships can be damaged. We are gregarious by nature, and we need to feel that others care, and being listened to spells the difference between feeling accepted and feeling isolated. Many women appear to be people oriented in listening preference, while men tend to be action oriented, which is one reason some men do not appear to be good listeners when their wives are talking. This also can account for women believing men are insensitive. We don’t usually stop to examine patterns of misunderstandings in our relationships, because we’re stuck in our own point of view. Listening is an art by which we use empathy to reach across the space between us.. Passive attention does not work, because listening is an active process. We spend about 45% of our time listening, and, in that, it often takes a deliberate effort to suspend our own needs and reactions.

In our society, listening is essential to the survival and development of the individual, and, since we learn our culture largely through listening, we learn to think by listening, we learn to relate by listening, and we learn about ourselves by listening.  Listening is not only physiological but also a process of recognizing, interpreting, and understanding the message being sent. There is a difference between listening to respond and listening to understand. Effective communication is not something that is just acquired, it is a set of practiced skills; skills that can be lost if not practiced and honed on a consistent basis. Effective listening requires attention, appreciation, and affirmation. You begin the process by turning to the speaker, paying attention to what he has to say, and placing no barriers between you. Let the other person know that you are interested in what he has to say by inviting him to say what’s on his mind, what his opinion is, or how he feels about the issue under consideration and give him your full attention. Anytime you demonstrate a willingness to listen with a minimum of defensiveness, criticism, or impatience, you are giving the gift of understanding and earning the right to have it reciprocated. It is regretful that we are distracted, preoccupied, or forgetful about 75% of the time, yet it is reputed that we have learned about 85% of what we know by listening. Not only could we be more productive, we could have enriched relationships. Being listened to means we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are known, that what we say matters, and that we are accepted.